Enriched Affections

As I prepare to post this, I can't help but wonder what state of mind you readers think I'm in. I wonder that myself sometimes. Despite the sad nature of many of these songs, I feel like I'm doing ok, at least for today. One day at a time, right? This past weekend was tough, dealing with some bitterness and doubt. But overall I'm doing so much better than I was. A huge reason for that is the overwhelming evidence in my life that God loves me and is working in and through me. I don't know how exactly, but I don't need to know. As this week's song says, "I can't understand all that you allow. I just can't see the reason. But, my life is in Your hands and though I cannot see You, I choose to trust you."  Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. Vineyard Music is not the typical place Josh Huff gets his worship music. And yes, you'd be correct. However, there are often small gems of music that God brings into my life from unexpecte...

This song has broken me down and built me up more times than I can remember. There are so many rich memories tied to it, and I'm incredibly thankful that God gave us this modern psalm. So, let's get real for a minute. Have you ever had a panic attack? I don't mean a moment of stress where your heart races a bit and you need to collect your thoughts. I mean a full-on, you can't move, catatonic on the floor, staring at a spot on the wall just to stay sane because your mind is firing off scenarios, memories, and false hopes like fireworks at Disney World. If you haven't, count yourself blessed. My first one came in late 2017 with many more to follow. They would come on unexpectedly; sometimes at home making a sandwich, sometimes unloading groceries, even once while driving. Thankfully I was almost home and was able to find a safe place. The most inconvenient one was on Thanksgiving with family over, although there's really never a good time for it. What I f...

"The ability to experience true joy while simultaneously experiencing intense grief is an ability only the follower of Christ possesses." This was a phrase my pastor reminded us of this past weekend, encouraging us to rejoice always. I have to say, I whole-heartedly agree. This is yet another paradox of the Christian faith, along with being strong when we are weak, being wise when we seem fools, and living as a saint even though I’m still a sinner. Joy in the midst of sorrow is what this song reminds me of every time I hear it. Even though I experience the heavy hand of the Lord, I can still praise Him and worship Him, knowing that this pain will produce a joy exponentially more intense than the hardship. As Paul wrote, “This light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” (2 Cor. 4:17) This very passage is quoted by John Piper during the bridge of this song. It reminds me that there is purpose behind the pain, a so...

I watched A Dog's Purpose with my kids tonight. That wasn't wise. It's basically a story with the recurring theme of loneliness, and how awful it is, and how dog's can help. Maybe a dog can help, but this movie certainly didn't. It ripped off a scab I thought was covering a healing wound. Now I'm not so sure. Watching it made me miss my person. It made me miss my wife. It's been 443 days. I miss my wife. Has it really been more than a year since she died; since this stranger took over her body? I see her ghost everywhere. She's in the empty half of my too large bed. She gives me that look when I  leave my glass by the side of the sink rather than put it straight into the dishwasher. She tells me I'm not fat (while giving me her "you are crazy" look), and actually look decent, for a balding middle aged man. She laughs at me when I toss my socks in the hamper and somehow manage to land them in the 1 inch crack between the basket and the...

So, full disclosure, this picture will probably be my next tattoo... just sayin'. It's so full of the imagery that has carried me through the ups and downs of life, especially through this past season. In the words of Frank Catton, let me break it down like a fraction for you. The first image that jumps out is the anchor. But it isn't just any anchor, it's an anchor formed from the classic Chi Rho symbol which has long stood for the name of Christ. Christ the anchor. He certainly has been that for me. As this week's song says, He has been my sure and steady anchor, in the fury of the storm, when doubts blew through me, when my sails were torn, when hopes were few. He has been my anchor. Wrapped around the base of the anchor is an unwrapped scroll, symbolizing the Word of God which is the lens through which I know Christ and what He's done. Written on that scroll is the Hebrew word "zakar" which means "Remember." Remember, as in God re...

It was an overcast day, late in October 2017. I shambled into my office at church, still in shock from what I had just heard. My wife of 13 years had fallen in love with someone else. How could this happen? What had I done wrong? Why? What? How... My mind was spinning, my heart was starting to numb, and I needed to find some solid ground. I made my way into the sanctuary and sat down with my old friend, the piano. I needed to sing, to talk with the Lord, to emotionally find release in a way that only music can provide, and hopefully find some peace. I didn't know I was within a few weeks of my final time leading worship. I didn't know that soon I would be asked to resign. I didn't know just how many friends would fall away. I didn't know the pain of the loneliness I would feel or the fog of depression I would fall into. I didn't know about the bi-polar disorder that affected my wife. I didn't know divorce would be in my future. I didn't know just how l...